My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just want nice things and good sex
I just had sex on a roof
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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