I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
