all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize