I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
