Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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