dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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