now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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