Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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