I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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