nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
