i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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