come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
