I am midnight drunk by noon
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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