I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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