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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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