His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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