he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
