I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
