I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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