theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
