I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
