I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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