About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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