life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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