So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
