woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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