i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
