I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
