We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize