Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
