Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
