I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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