If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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