Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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