Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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