The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my shit smells like andre
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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