Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
