Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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