Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
