dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
