I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
