In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
