Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Alive.
So much puke
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
