Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
