i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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