everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
