He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
