Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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