I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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