True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
