my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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