he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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