dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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