I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
