Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
