I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
