we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
