i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
it's like heaven, but drunker
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
