Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
