There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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