worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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