Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
only you would photoshop your dick
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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