she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize