the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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