where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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