god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
